postpartum confessions

Pregnancy for me was really a roller coaster of emotions be it shock, excitement, happiness, fear you name it!  so many ups and downs too many in one single day at times!  I have some confessions to make. Looking back some of them seem silly to me now but oh so real and strong emotions at the time.

• I cried lots and lots all through  the entire pregnancy.  I learned we were expecting at 5 weeks. Early enough to have plenty of time to shed tears.  Like every time Javier would say "what are we going to do now?" but then again he did that with all of our pregnancies so I should have know better that the man was only freaking out. Thank goodness that stage for him was over soon or I really would have cried every single day!!  I cried when reading about the stages of labor thinking "I have to go through that again?? I also cried at the dentist, if you recall.  I cried when we made the decision to leave our home and temporarily move to San Diego. Heck TV made me cry.  Even after Emma was born I cried when breastfeeding wasn't going as planned :(  I had to introduce my expressed milk in a bottle to her and she gulped it so fast that it only broke my heart...hormones working at their best.
• I napped a lot!  Napping is really one thing I have never done.  I hardly ever find the time to nap even when I am sick, but this time around I found myself so tired during the morning hours that I just found myself napping in order to continue the day...I almost felt guilty I must confess almost but not quite to be honest I really enjoyed it...
• My belly popped out pretty early, I was really surprised.  I found myself checking out other ladies bellies.  Sometimes it was easy to tell if it was a pregnant belly.   I always wondered how far along were they?, what was their due date?
• I downloaded this pregnancy app called 'I'm expecting' from MedHelp I spent most of my afternoons browsing through the forums.  There were divided into age categories starting from 18 yrs plus (even there were 15 and 16 year old girls posting that they were pregnant!) I mostly visited the pregnancy social and the 35+ pregnancy forums.  I wasn't very active on it I mostly read the posts some of them were kind of like Jerry Springer fun because the younger ladies would post trying to find out their ovulation date because they needed to know who their baby daddy was this guy or the other??  what?? how would someone else know who your baby daddy is?  Ladies in their 40's and plus asking for advice in how to get pregnant.  Other ladies throwing a fit because of gender disappointed!! OMG drama drama :/  In my hours of insomnia this little app helped me pass the time.
• Since I learned it was a girl that I was expecting I started browsing the baby's department and gear specially the clearance section. Who doesn't love to shop for a baby?  I love to find a good bargain on clothing even if I have to store it in a plastic tub for 2 years :)
• Every Sunday afternoon when we drove to San Diego we stopped at MacDonalds where I enjoyed a Double cheeseburger and a caramel sundae.  It was my craving!  All that changed when the glucose testing started even way before they diagnosed the GD.  MickeyD was my guilty pleasure :(
• Once GD kicked in I kept a food journal, it was very overwhelming at first I've never had to count carbohydrates before.  Water became my best friend!  I wasn't allowed milk or fruit before noon and I learned how much a whole banana raised my glucose levels.  Planning my meals became easier with time and practice.  Confession time right?  well I did have a small piece of cake at my baby shower very tiny tiny one and later during that day I didn't test my glucose :/  After Emma was born I would glance and every restaurant sign and giggle wow I can have that now!  I was ready to eat.  I also walked a lot, I mean a lot.  I walked before Xavi's school started and before he got out of school people started asking me when was I due since they saw me walk every day!
• I constantly thought about the people that I left behind when we did the temporary move. Of course my neighbors knew about our situation, besides that I don't really have a lot of friends in town but the people I know from the kids' school wondered what the heck happened to us?  Since our decision was so sudden I didn't have time to explain or give details.  Now we are back with our new family addition and glad to see them again.
• I loved my Doctor and nurse!  I had a great experience at the hospital.  Everyone was so nice I mean everyone!
• Finally, I asked God for forgiveness for being mad a him 5 yrs ago when our last attempt to get pregnant failed. Yeah  I was pretty upset and wasn't understanding or accepting his way I just wasn't taking it.  I must confess I even doubted him.  He had failed me when I had put all my trust in him.  Big lesson it's his way and not ours!  His timing and not ours!

To finalize this long post...sorry :( I'd like to share these pictures.  Emma was born on a Thursday and the following Sunday it poured then the biggest and most beautiful rainbow appeared.  After the storm comes the rainbow right?  I am so thankful that God sent me a beautiful and healthy child.  Bonus, rainbow pictures is one more item checked off my bucket list which I am running behind gotta get working on it :)

Have a great weekend and a Happy Spring!

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She is here!

She is here!  

Emma was born on February 19, 2015

at 7:45 am 

6 lbs 12 oz 

19 inches

She saved me the last 12 days of pregnancy, thanks baby!

Here she is today at 9 days old,

She is healthy and perfect!

We all are on cloud nine.

Thank you all for your well wishes!

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Latest update

Hello my friends, oh how I've missed you honestly!  

I hope this year 2015 started in a good positive, healthy and happy way for all of you!  

I know there was a wedding yay! you two love birds you know who you are!!

pet losses :(  those hurt a lot I know

and for my family personally a new baby on the way yay again! 

this is really the home stretch I have 24 more days to go March 3rd is my due date.

Here's the latest update on my baby bump. Last month I insisted to do the glucose test again.  Better knowing that not knowing right? better safe than sorry.  So I did it and I failed, gestational diabetes was finally diagnosed I won't deny that I was pretty upset and worried.  I met with a dietitian and she helped me a lot.  Besides the restrictions I had back in November like getting rid of all the sugars now I am on a stricter food regimen.  I have to eat every two to three hours. Three meals and 3 snacks a day religiously.  Walk after every meal. I also have to prick my fingers 4 times a day and test my glucose.  The first one fasting and the others ones 1 hour after every meal.  It was very overwhelming at first because I have to consume a specific number of calories and watch my total daily servings of milk, vegetables, fruits, starches, meat  (or protein foods) and fats luckily I was given a chart to make it easier. Talking about overwhelming! I still feel like I am hungry all the time but I've learned to fill in with veggies in between meals and snacks.  I mean you learn about the food pyramid right??  but that's about it. But when your health is at risk you have to take it seriously.  I had gained a total of 19 lbs and since the restrictions I lost 5 lbs.  My doctor is ok with that because obviously they don't want baby girl to get too big.  She is doing fine and I am too.  I just look like a swallowed a volleyball. I have been able to control my glucose levels which is the ultimate goal. 

My doctor is watching me like a hawk.  I now see him once a week and I have a fetal non stress tests twice a week.  A non stress test is a simple procedure to evaluate the baby's condition, she is being monitored while she is resting and then while she is moving they also check the amniotic fluid.  I practically am at the hospital every day but I don't mind at all I feel taken care of.

Baby can come anytime now, next Tuesday when I am 37 weeks she is considered full term and that's basically what we want.  I don't mind the wait at all I want her to cook well.  I do miss sleeping on my back and my stomach, its hard to get in and out of bed and harder to hop on and off my truck and of course I miss food. I know that after this experience I have to watch my diet because I am at a higher risk of developing diabetes later in life...I can't deny that my anxiety level is growing ha bringing a baby into this world is not an easy thing to do.  But I've done it twice I can do it again right?

Besides that I have been so busy taking other classes:

-Breastfeeding classes to see if I can be successful this time around, 

-Baby Care Basics because it's been a long time since I've taken care of a baby.

-Infant CPR because it's been a long time since I've taken a CPR class.

-Female sterilization class (its a requisite to take the class in order to sign the papers to have the procedure done)  because really this is the last baby I am having!

This morning while Javier and I were checking out garage sales I tried to jump over a small box I lost my balance and fell on my knee.  Of course everybody ran to my rescue.  They all worried but luckily I didn't fall on my belly it was only my knee.  It was soooo embarrassing.  I never had that happened before with my other pregnancies with Sophia I gained 25 lbs. and with Xavi I gained a whopping 30 lbs. so it is hard to balance the weight at times.  Like I mention before my weight gain with this one is only 14 lbs. I think my ego was bruised and not my knee.  I did give up my morning bike rides around 7 months preggo due to my mom insisting me not to do it anymore.

Something else to share with you guys is my baby shower.  My mother in law threw one for me on January 31st it was fun and full of family and friends and of course good food darn it :/  I've missed out on Birthday cakes and Holiday eating but I know at the end when I have my baby girl in my arms it will all be worth it.

Following are some pictures I want to share with you:

Back in September Xavi's Birthday.  I did taste that cake though :)

  Pregnancy bliss!

Christmas Photos

Trip to Idyllwild back in December

Pretty things!

 Sophia receiving two awards at her school one for citizenship and the other Honor roll for her GPA!  Go Sophie!  She makes me proud!  She does indeed.

 Here is the first cake that I missed my brother's 41 Birthday on January 12!

My brother and Sophie celebrating January Birthdays.
I cannot find Sophies Birthday pics she turned 13 on January 22 She is officially a teenager yikes!

January 26

All of the following are from the Baby Shower last week:

I love how my hair has grown remember how short was last March?

Hopefully next time I will get to share with you our newest family member.
I really hope you are all doing fine I want nothing but blessings
and the best for you guys this year and always!

Love,

Claudia

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Quick update and the last stretch...

Hello guys this is a quick post just to let you know how I am doing.  Yesterday I started week 26 ( total of 40 weeks in pregnancy)  Ninety-seven days to meet my baby girl! Basically the last stretch! I certainly feel slower, heavier and anxious.  During the first and second trimester as I had trouble sleeping at night ( and I still am ) I took a lot of day naps as I was feeling tired. I listened to my body after all it's making a baby.  I don't feel as tired now but now I have that nesting feeling yup cleaning and cleaning that's all I wanna do!  Getting things ready for when baby is here. 

Every morning I walk 30 minutes at Xavi's school before the bell rings.  At first he walked with me but as he made friends he told me that scientists say that kids that walk with their moms are not cool.  I got it :(  So now he walks with his friends while I walk alone.

I am sticking to that walking ritual religiously because a couple of weeks ago I found what I thought it was a bump on the road.  I failed my glucose screening.  My hospital set the standards very low to catch potential Gestational Diabetes.  A couple of days after that I had to do the three hour glucose test.  You have to be fasting they draw blood, then you drink this nasty sugary drink, they draw blood again three more times every hour to find out how your body processes glucose.   So my fasting numbers were good, then they rose with the sugary drink, after an hour the numbers were supposed to lower but mine rose a bit, then at the very last blood draw my numbers finally lowered.  So I failed one blood draw out of 4.  That was a Friday so obviously all weekend I broke down and cried and cried.  I googled and googled Gestational Diabetes I think that did not helped at all it only made me more anxious.  Monday morning I called my doctor's office and they said that my body was having a little bit of trouble processing glucose.  Gestational diabetes was not diagnosed. Small dietary changes would help such as getting rid of sugar, soda, juices, breads, pastries and all that stuff that we already know is soo good but bad for our healths.  I don't have a sweet tooth at all but I am not taking any chances so I am strictly sticking to the dietary changes hence the walking every morning.

Oh! Xavi received the student of the month award he makes me so proud and Sophie has been at her best behavior helping out as never before.  The floor has never felt so far.  I don't know why but I drop things constantly I've been so clumsy lately.  Everybody knows that the floor is so far away for me.  They even help me tie my shoes ha ha! I am happy to say that I am being pampered! Braxton Hicks contractions have started to kick in.  They are painless contractions that come and go and make my stomach feel tight and heavy.  Basically they are practice contractions because they are a preparation for the real event and allow the opportunity to practice breathing. My dreams have been so vivid lately weird things really! Last night I dreamed I had my baby girl in my arms and was going crazy looking for this specific outfit that I wanted to put on her and absolutely could not find it.

I hope you guys have been fine and I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving  hoping that you and your loved ones be blessed this season and throughout the rest of the year!

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so the world knows...

so the world knows...I mean Facebook.  I announced my pregnancy today.  A lot of my family and friends didn't know it yet. Next Tuesday I will be 20 weeks which marks the middle of my pregnancy, I thought this was good timing or next thing they'll know is Claudia with new baby when did this happen?!?! Baby girl will arrive by the beginning of March 2015. Everything is going smooth, I do have to tell you that sleeping is getting harder and harder.  The trips to the bathroom don't help.  Also, I miss sleeping on my stomach, now it's like impossible to balance on a cantaloupe...besides baby girl might not like it.  I started feeling her movements about three weeks ago.  It's such a magical feeling.  I read that they sleep 90 % of the time nice ah?  I wish I could do that!  She sleeps most of the day when I am up and about she loves being rocked. But when mommy decides to take a rest and lie on the bed or couch baby girl is active.

A little update on all my children follows:  (yeah my life sounds like a soap opera)

-Valeria started working at Kmart and I am pretty sure will be very busy with this coming holiday season her college classes and her boyfriend.

-Sophia is doing good in school she is my little revolutionary, always questioning things, trying to change the world.  She always speaks up her mind. Always pointing out when she thinks something is not right.  There are days where she is not in the best of her moods and others where she is the friendliest and more lovable child you can find (excuse me not a child almost a teenager.)  She loves music and defines herself as a rocker she likes older bands as well as newer bands.  In fact all she wants to wear are shirt bands...flower prints, ruffles, pink and pastel colors are long gone.  She wanted to but combat boots and she did it with her own money she wears them once a week and her converse are back in action.

-Xavi lover boy struck again one day he came home telling me mom I found the love of my life her name is so and so (to be honest I forgot the name)  This girl is not in her class he told me.  So the next day I asked him what happened with the girl...She didn't talk to me today he answered sadly awww young love!  He turned 8 last month.  He keeps being so crafty and creative.  He loves making the rainbow loom bracelets for family and friends.  He makes the very difficult ones. He also loves watching you tube tutorials about origami, magic tricks and all sorts of crafts he is so patient and dedicated. I love seeing him give my belly love.

We definitely can't wait to welcome baby girl so that she can complete our family!

I am sending hugs to you all

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lately...

Life has been still a bit chaotic lately around here.  Just a few days after the kids started school I kinda had a panic attack and pulled them out of school grabbed the dogs and headed down for San Diego.  As crazy as it sounds I refuse to stay here while my husband works in San Diego.  So the kids started school over there and are adjusting ok to the temporary move.  This will only be until the baby is born or until he finds a job closer to home (which he has been looking for since the beginning of this year).  The hardest part is not being in my own home.  Right now we are in between my father in law's tiny apartment and my mom's house.  With no internet connection.  We have to go to the public library to connect.

One of the biggest challenges of this pregnancy that I am facing is my age.  Two weeks ago I was referred to the Genetics department.  Scary stuff indeed, the counselor was very nice and explained everything in an easy to understand way from Down Syndrome to chromosomal abnormalities to neural tube defects everything from screening testing to diagnostic testing if needed.   I came out of the counseling meeting a bit  relaxed because she was very nice and made me see things in a positive way kind of like a glass half full rather than half empty.  But still my age was my concern I will be 43 this next Tuesday.  A woman of maternal age of 20 has a chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome of 1 in 1600, a woman aged 40 is 1 in 90 and a woman aged 45 is 1 in 30. I had a non invasive blood test which they say has a 99% accuracy and can also tell you the sex of the baby.

My anxiety only grew while having to wait a whole week for results.  It's only statistics I tried to calm myself.  It is what it is.  When I got the call I felt like my heart was going to explode.  My baby passed the test and no abnormalities were detected.  The bonus, she is a girl!!  So thank goodness  I can relax now. 

Little by little I've watched my waist or what I used to call my waist disappear. It is a funny situation because I know people wonder is she fat or is she pregnant?  It's amazing how fast toilet paper goes with all the peeing involved day and night unfortunately.

At times I don't know if I am hungry or not it's really a weird feeling because I have to eat every three hours or so and it only makes me think of how huge I will get.  I've only gained like 4 lbs but I look like 5 months pregnant already :(

At my first prenatal appointment they drew 8 tubes of blood!  What do they think?  do they sell it or what?  At least the lab should have given me a coupon for a free donut at the cafeteria or something...see I am thinking of food most of the time.

I also cried at the dentist because they refused to do the routine cleaning on me. I blamed it on the hormones. A dental cleaning is very important during pregnancy because gum disease may result in premature birth. They say they needed to do x rays in order to perform the cleaning.  What??  no x rays for me while pregnant even if the doctor and the dentist say it's safe.  So I changed providers and they say the dentist will first do a visual examination and then perform a basic cleaning.  I have my appointment in one week.

The first day Xavi learned that he was going to be a big brother he said  that he will love the baby more than his legos.  He also said that he will act like a baby to teach the baby all the skills needed like talk or walk isn't he a caring sweet kid?  As I had to buy better supporting bras he mentioned that he had never seen such big bras before :/ Oh and listen to this before I knew the results of my screening test I asked him what would you think if our baby had Down Syndrome?  He said he would cry but still love him and take care of it.  That broke my heart and silently cried myself to sleep. He was hoping for a boy but is happy with a girl as well.

Sophia on the other hand hugs my belly and tells me I am hugging the baby not you...of course she is kidding (I have a whole post coming up on her)  She is hoping that I go into labor while she is in her math class so that she can skip it :/

Everybody was thinking this was a boy.  All kinds of boys names were coming up so now we need to rethink the whole perspective. When my belly started popping Javier told me this baby is coming and there is no stopping it...he got closer to the belly and said baby if you are in there knock three times ja ja!  no answer from baby but as I enter the second trimester things are looking good and I plan to enjoy this journey.  I am glad to check on you as wifi permits and certainly hope things are good for you all. 

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we're growing...

Hello guys, I hope you been enjoying your Summer.  I have been drafting this post in my mind for over a month and a half now.  How to tell you the news?  Big news, baby news... I'm pregnant!  There I said it!!  What pregnant??  Yes it's crazy ah??  that was not on my bucket list at all!! We are still digesting the news specially Javier.  It's really been a roller coaster of emotions lately...really so many things going on in our lives and this so very unexpected news!

You see I don't want to make this a long story, I've only talked about this a little bit on my blog (by the way I am bummed because I don't know why my pics are gone on that entry back in 2010)

I spent a great number of years trying to get pregnant.  I took meds to ovulate and conceived Sophia at the age of 30 then had two miscarriages.  After that came Xavi at 35 yrs of age.  My husband did the vasectomy when Xavi was about six months old then six months later he reversed it thinking we had made a mistake and wanted more kids.  That is when the real stress began test, doctors, medicines, timing  we had two failed artificial inseminations and one failed IVF.  My husband had a low to null sperm count I had 19 eggs retrieved they extracted his sperms only 4 alive and only one egg fertilized, it didn't stick.

I felt totally devastated, sad, angry at God.  That was our final attempt we knew we could not go through the emotional and financial stress again.  It really was not fun making a baby the non traditional way, Javier really hated it when I handed him the cup for a sample... plus my age was not helping at all I was 38 at the time.  I won't lie after the big disappointment I secretly prayed that one little guy escaped and that I got pregnant by a miracle after all that's all it takes right? only one!

But things changed and not long ago I remember we talked about maybe it was a good thing we didn't have any more kids.  Our three kids are growing up now.  Valeria is 18 just graduated High School got her first job and is off to community college so eager to go into the world, Sophia soon to be a teen thinks she knows everything and is at a weird stage and my sweet Xavi that is soon to be 8 not really a baby anymore.

For a few years now I have been on this medicine for a prolactinoma situation hard to explain but it's something to regulate my hormones. Ever since that medicine my periods have been pretty regular. Early in July I let my period be ten days late before I had the guts to go take a pregnancy test.  This was the first time in about four years that I've been late. I was thinking oh boy maybe this is menopause :(  because of the hot flashes.  

I remember being so nervous waiting for the results and telling the nurse my whole story and how I was sure I was not pregnant.  She turned around and with a frownie face the words came out of her mouth"you know what? you ARE pregnant"  almost with a I am sorry tone of voice.  I will never forget Hope that was the nurse's name.

That was unexpected, not planned and a total shock.  I just sat there and asked several times did you say pregnant?  is it really positive? A pregnancy was not in our plans at this point in our lives. We have had a whole range of emotions happy, scared, surprised, worried we never thought another pregnancy could happen. I myself have many fears because of my age and all the other fears that came along with pregnancy labor and delivery and raising another child.  

It felt so unreal like a dream specially after I had no symptoms at all.  

I had my first prenatal appointment at week 8 and then it was postponed a couple of times so I got to see my baby at 10 weeks 2 days of pregnancy. I got to see his/her heart thumping and he/she was moving inside That was 15 days ago so my little guy or gal has grown a bit now. I am currently 12 weeks 3 days.

This is the only picture I'd like to share with you today.  
Our not so little family is growing by two feet and one heart!

I am glad to be back blogging and hope you guys had been ok.

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Little Garland of mine

More than 13 yrs ago I was still single, 

my sister was a teenager and the two of us together with my mom were planning a baby shower for my sister in law (now ex sister in law).  We had everything together gifts included for the new arrival. 

I had bought some ribbon spools to decorate with pretty bows. 

But one day in September our plans came to a halt.  

The baby girl died more than halfway through the pregnancy in her mom's tummy.  

All of our dreams were crushed...She was about to be the very first grand kid born to our family.  I kept the ribbon.
Tucked away in a box.
Not really knowing what to do with it.

Occasionally I've made a bow or two to wrap a gift.

But recently I found a really nice purpose for that pretty ribbon that I've saved for all these years.  

I have seen these lovely light garlands and finally found an easy to follow diy tutorial that I liked.

I've personally felt the sorrow and emptiness of this experience twice.  I made this garland as a tribute to all the babies in my family that for different reasons that only God knows why didn't make it to us.  My ex-sister in law, my sister in law, my sister and like I mentioned me included.  Once in a while I still think back and there are a lot of why's unanswered
...and who is to blame?

In no way I want to make this a sad post,
instead it's a post of celebration because that
ribbon that 13 years ago was to celebrate a little one's 
life and suddenly was put away with sorrow now has a lovely purpose. 

The baby was named Lilibeth 

and I will secretly call my little garland Lilibeth 
and now I am going to let it shine!

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2010 Reflections

image by PaperScissorsCake

I started 2010 with great expectations...pregnancy expectations... that failed...I can't deny I still feel sad to think about our failed Invitro... I shed lots of tears... secrets tears because I wanted to look strong but at times I still I dare to ask God why??  Only he knows the reason, after all he is our maker and he knows best. Now I try to focus not only on what I want but on what he wants for me.
In 2010 We grew more comfortable in our new home and new town.  As a mom and wife I tried to do my best to take care of my family.  As a business woman I put my heart into my etsy shop and I am happy to say it grew oh! and I opened a second shop.  I also put more effort into my blog and found new sweet friends that I thank God for. We, The Aguilar's are ending this year together with health and happiness. Enough reasons to thank God. I make a toast and wish for all of us a Happy New Year!

"When you're lonely, I wish you Love!
When you're down, I wish you Joy!
When you're troubled, I wish you Peace!
When things seem empty, I wish you Hope!
Have a Happy New Year!" - Anonymous

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Five Facts about me.

Here are five facts about me.  Would you like to share some of your facts?  Any opinions, suggestions, comments, congratulations etc. are very much welcomed!

1.  I love love love chocolate cake.
2.  I have an addiction:  sunflowers seeds, I know salt is bad but unsalted ones just don't taste the same.
3.  I lied on my height on my DL, only by an inch I really am 5' 1"
4.  I love finding bargains and most of the time I buy clearance.  Call me cheap but I love 75% off tags. 
5.   I still pray to God for a miracle, I want another baby.

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Quest for Pregnancy

 As I come to the end of this "quest for pregnancy" I have to close cycles and leave the past behind.  I have had a hard time getting pregnant in the past having had two beautiful children of my own and a stepdaughter that I adore and thank God for them.  For the past two years failed pregnancy attempts, failed inseminations, different doctors, medicine, emotional and economical stress were just too much.  With lots of planning and preparation we have taken a final step and decided this would be our ultimate attempt.  We have done IVF and am due for a pregnancy test on the 18th of March.  I am nervous.  I wish this would pass soon, positive or negative this pregnancy deal will come to an end soon.  Wish me luck!
So the question was:  What to do with those old pelvic ultrasound transparencies that I've kept for so long on my quest to conceive again??  I could not keep them forever or  get rid of  them just  like that!  They're my monthly hopes and dreams of creating a new life!  Yes, my uterus and name are on them!  Then I finally got it!  A get well card!  It is not fun to get sick or have a loved one getting sick but it is comforting to receive get well wishes! And this is a fun way to do it. These films have kept my hands and mind busy as I await for results.  And here is the final product!

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